READ ME FIRST!!!
For weeks now I’ve been wanting to blog but haven’t. The reason being that I’m always afraid that, whatever my next entry might be, it may be the one people read. And knowing me, it’ll be the last one people read. I’ll say something to offend someone or startle someone… And I don’t feel like taking the risk. Usually. Today I do.
My mind’s been a chaotic jumble for the last few weeks – nothing pressing, nothing urgent, nothing overwhelming… just a little exhausting. It’s like running a daycare center. Random strings of thought (that never go home) run round and round in an endless circle, not misbehaving (not standing on the tables or knocking over lamps), just running …and screaming. And every once in a while they’ll run up to me and vie for attention, and (like an exhausted daycare worker) I feign interest while trying to find a way to distract them so that I can slip away.
…Does that sound like apathy? I pray about them, though sometimes offhandedly, I’ll admit (more of a, “What’s up with that?” kind of prayer than a hearty “O Lord, give me guidance in this situation” kind of prayer). Is it exhaustion paired with apathy? It’s not that I don’t want to know why (why I’m being followed by “The Phantom of the Opera”, why I’m being steeped in a past, unpleasant flood of memories, why I feel isolated, why I feel irritated at certain people recently)… I suppose I just haven’t gotten to that point yet when I actually care what the answer is (enough to seriously ask the question). I keep waiting for me to get to that point, but… I haven’t reached it yet, and (like I said) it’s exhausting waiting.
Maybe I just need to think things out. (I do that a lot.) Just lay everything out that’s on my mind and maybe I’ll come up with a solution, or at least the resolve to ask the question with a true desire for the answer. So here goes. (Subsequent posts will be elaborations on the aforementioned issues. Stop reading if you don’t want to know the things I was referring to in the previous paragraph.)