The Side of the Cereal Box

In case you didn’t know (and unless you’re really dense or a complete stranger, you know), I’m an introvert.

This is not a bad thing. Not all the time. It suits me fine much of the time, but there’s something you must understand, and I can’t stress it enough: introvert does not mean island. Let me say that another way, introverts need human interaction too! We just don’t need as much, with as many people, as extroverts. I love spending hours upon hours at Taco Bell with Cris. I love spending hours upon hours just about anywhere with just about any one person (sometimes two)! I like conversation that involves more than superficiality! I love getting to know people (one at a time)!

But I hate one-sided friendships. I gave up on them in college (which is why I haven’t talked to Mike in almost two years). I got tired of chasing after people, trying to be involved in their lives, only to be shut out, overlooked, and forgotten as soon as I stopped talking. I don’t like people talking to me as if they’re under some obligation (which is why I never tell people, “Go check out my blog!”). If you’re interested, thank you!!! If you’re not, I release you. Go do something you want to do, and don’t trouble yourself about me anymore. I have little patience for people that lead me on as if they care simply because they feel obligated to care. Rather than rob my emotional bank of the funds I’ll need for someone who does care, why not go care about the people you really care about? There are people who really do care about me, I assure you. None of us is left out. By all means, care about me enough to not be mean to me, but don’t think you have to go out of your way to “be involved” if you’re just not interested. It’s a waste of my time and yours.

…*sigh* Ooh, so that was gettin’ ugly. I didn’t mean it in a mean way, just a straightforward way. …And why is all this coming up, you ask? Well, I’m dissatisfied in my friendships right now. I love Cris; she is my absolute best friend, but it seems like, lately, she’s my only friend. I’ve met new people recently, but I’m unable to spend concentrated time with them the way I need to (in order to get to know them). They’re cool people, but when I do get to see them, they’re in a crowd, and I shut down in a crowd. And none of them seems to care enough to try and break through that barrier – either by consciously deciding to have a one-on-one conversation amid the crowd or by getting together with me at another time. And I’m sorry, but I can only muster up enough courage to break through that barrier myself once or twice before I retreat permanently. And then I sit and wonder if it’s my fault that no friendship developed.

And then I get irritated when those people go on behaving that way – indifferent, as I see it. And I give them the cold shoulder (and they don’t notice). I sit and sulk and glare at them secretly and mutter (under my breath, but in my head) that they’re so inconsiderate and oblivious and… *sigh* And then when somebody gets out of that box I’ve been stuffing them down into, I’m surprised but still thinking, “It’s about time!” …And I fester. I hold a grudge (as if it mattered to them, and as if they even knew I was doing it!). And eventually I come around to that point I’m nearing now when I sigh and say, “They’re not doing it on purpose,” and I forgive them, let go of my grudge, and let them act the way they act. And I go elsewhere for friendships.

…But I don’t want to do that this time. There are a lot of times when I don’t want to do that. I just feel like I have no choice. I can’t make them pay attention; I can’t even draw it to their attention nicely! And I can’t make them care, and I can’t make them be my friend. It’s just easier to give up and move on. Not easy, just easier. Fighting takes a lot of strength, and in the end, for me, it always seems to be a losing battle.

But what about when friendships decay? I had a friend who was closer than I realized (until recently), and now… we barely talk. And when we do talk, it’s superficial (consequently, it’s usually brief, also). Sometimes we even argue, and I’m talkin’ argue like my brother and sister and I argue! It didn’t used to be like that, and I wonder… what happened? Does he even realize that something happened? He changed. I know that, and so do several other people around him (those who knew him before and those who didn’t). So what do I do now? I’d really like that friendship back, …but is it too late? Did it serve its purpose and now it’s… gone? I know some friendships are like that, but that’s usually precipitated by distance (physical distance). Can somebody make an emotional (or even attitudinal) move just as they would physically move? …And if that’s what happened, can it be reversed?

Lord help me, I don’t know what to do with people.